NONEXISTENTthe court case in the mime firm’s demand
This is the plain-language version of the cited update, written to be read out loud. The comedy website is public, the seminar recordings are public, and the Ohio decision is a public court document. Nothing here is a new court ruling, and everyone named is presumed to have acted lawfully.
A comedy website called Legally Mime sent this site a letter demanding silence. The site is a parody of Legally Mine, a real Utah company that sells asset protection to doctors and dentists, and its joke is that mimes will hide your money in invisible boxes. Its letter says it is suing this site for trademark infringement, case number BAM-404, and that if we keep publishing, it will deploy the full weight of its non-verbal enforcement apparatus. We looked up the case. There is no case. This page is our answer, without the citations.
We checked every place a case can live. Nothing. Even a livestreamer who read the firm’s website on air ended up asking her chat whether the case was real. It is not. This site puts a grade on everything it publishes, and none of our grades fit a lawsuit that does not exist, so we made a new one just for this: NONEXISTENT. It is printed in black on white, like face paint.
We took the firm’s methods seriously, briefly. The invisible vault, where creditors cannot serve a subpoena on thin air: in a real court the papers go to the person, not the box, and a person who will not hand things over sits in contempt until he does. The fourth-dimension trust, where the judge orders the money back and the mime’s hand gets stuck reaching for it, so the court has to give up: a real couple tried exactly that with an offshore trust, told the judge that the trust they built made it impossible to comply, and went into custody. Courts treat “I designed it so I cannot comply” as the confession, not the excuse. The invisible wall, where you ignore the process server until you become part of the furniture: ignore court papers in real life and you lose automatically, and a witness who will not answer can be held for as long as the case runs.
Here is the strange part. Most of the jokes have a real version. The real company’s recorded sales seminar tells doctors to put each thing they own into its own little company. The man presenting, identified by the seminar’s own opening slide as Dan McNeff, says the only purpose of an LLC is asset protection. He says of thirteen thousand clients that there is “nothing to take.” He teaches a move he himself calls the Revenge clause: “if you sue me I’ll never have to pay you,” with the person who won the lawsuit stuck owing tax on money he will never see. The mime site’s “Generational Revenge Clause” only added the word generational. The seminar also says that consequence comes from a rule passed by Congress. Congress passed no such rule, and the actual rule does not say what the seminar says it does. The offshore joke has a real address too: the seminar points clients toward Alaska, and this site has mapped the shelf of companies sitting up there. And this May the original Legally Mine company was quietly renamed “LM OLDCO,” a week before the name went to a different owner. On the mime site, a former client “pretends to be stuck in a shrinking room.” The room does not shrink. The name does.
The mime firm bills nothing and says so. The real seminar quotes twenty-five to forty-five thousand dollars, is offered to doctors and dentists as free continuing-education credit, and describes what the plan does to the other side in the presenter’s own words: it can “make you homeless.” Real clients have sued over the real product; the case numbers are in the cited edition.
The mime site’s FAQ jokes that mime services are currently unavailable in Ohio. The real firm is also unavailable in Ohio. Last year the state’s highest court entered an agreed order saying the company had practiced law there without a license; it paid a fine and costs and had to tell every Ohio client. So the joke is true twice, once on purpose.
The mime site’s newest bulletin defends a quote this site published two days earlier, “I tend to not see people as humans,” by explaining it was spoken “strictly from a high-efficiency Legal Mime perspective.” In a real courtroom your own words come in exactly as you said them. That explanation is still the only defense of that sentence anyone, anywhere, has offered.
Since this site began, every person and company we cover has been able to write in and ask for a correction. The real asset-protection company never has. The franchisor never has. No lawyer for any of them ever has. The only demand ever to arrive came from a mime, in writing, which is against its own rules. The demand is declined. In this whole matter, silence was already taken. The mime is the only one talking.
To be fair. The mime site says plainly, at the bottom of every page, that it is parody and not connected to the real company, and that is true; nobody has actually sued anybody. The Ohio order was agreed to, not fought to a verdict, and the company says it left the state on its own. Selling a legal product with big talk is not by itself against the law, and outside the Ohio order nothing here says anyone broke one. Every quote is word for word, and the timestamps, links, and case numbers are all in the cited edition.
This is a plain-language retelling. The exact quotes, the timestamps, the statutes, the cases, and the links are in the full update. Nothing here is a finding of law.
The BAM Map is independent reporting on matters of public concern. Nothing here is a finding of any person’s guilt; the criminal charges referenced are unadjudicated and every defendant is presumed innocent. Sources are linked so readers can check the record. · Home · Map · The law · Bodycam